Perhaps I'm in the minority (though I'd like to hope I'm not) but I just don't "get" the whole deal with pixelated women. How can you get your kicks off something that's so blatantly unreal? A mild exception might be if the character is based on somebody real, like Yvonne Strahovski as Miranda Lawson in Mass Effect 2, but in that case it's still weird if you're looking up Lawson on Google rather Strahovski. Likewise, if you're searching for Naked Lara and expecting to find cartoon images rather than one of the various models who have portrayed her, then there may be a couple of screws loose in the old noggin. Maybe Jessica Rabbit had a worse effect on male psyches that we actually ever thought possible.
My point, and I do have one, is that there's something ultimately very, very weird and perhaps even wrong about Dead or Alive: Paradise. This (appropriately) hand-held sequel feels like nothing more than a peeping tom simulator masquerading as a game. It has all the depth of a low budget mobile phone title, and about one third of the fun too.
The intro video lets you know exactly what this game is all about, anime-style females with physics-defying breasts in skimpy swimsuits. There may be the smokescreen of a few mini-games to stop this from emerging as a cartoon version of Nuts magazine, but they're about as shallow as you can get.
You pick one of the girls from the DoA Universe to play as, and are immediately treated to a very basic tutorial of how the title works. After landing on the recently discovered New Zack Island, you spend your day going shopping (for new Swimsuits and other accessories), playing Volleyball or Pool Hopping, or simply relaxing in a variety of locations. During these relaxation sections, you get a limited time in which to take pictures of your character, zooming wherever you see fit for a spot of candid photography. Say. No. More.
To actually play the Beach Volleyball game, you have to strike up a friendship with the other girls on the island. To do that, you have to buy them gifts and then wrap them using their favourite coloured gift wrap. Hopefully then they'll do you the "great honour" of teaming up with you for the occasional game of volleyball. Lose a few times though, and they'll soon abandon you. What are we being taught here? That women like being showered with gifts, and don't like losers? I can certainly see the logic in that last part, so probably best not to show them you own this game. Heh, like anyone who actually buys this game has a shot with a real girl.
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